Reflection: I have become extremely tight with my money
Today I had a bit of self-reflection after consuming some Cannabis, and this article is actually a bit of some of the positives of consuming Cannabis that some people might not realize, especially for individuals such as myself. Self-reflection is very important, and while I still do self-reflect while I am sober, this sense of self is heightened after the consumption of Cannabis. My writing in this most may vary slightly, as I am indeed also writing this after the consumption of Cannabis while the thoughts of what I want to write here are fully active.
Super Frugal
I believe I have this new disorder where I have an intense fear of spending money, and each and everything I purchase must be the absolute cheapest, or at the very least on sale. The only exception seems to be for services which don't have sales, and are more of a service than the purchasing of anything that I physically use. Such as streaming services, and transit. While streaming may have an initial promotional sale, those sales don't occur frequently enough to use, and when is public transit ever on sale? Otherwise, I tend to find the best deal within reason, as I don't go from store to store, or search online endlessly, if I am looking for a specific item, then I go the store I feel in my mind would sell it at a reasonable price, and go there to make my purchase, regardless if that item is on sale. For example, this evening, I went to Wal-Mart where I purchased various bathroom items.
In some instances this can be perfectly fine in fact, as I don't really need a super fancy towel from a super fancy store, just a basic towel is fine for me.
In other instances, this can often led me to finding the cheapest place I can afford to rent, which can be mixed. As I don't like paying a lot, I don't take any super temporary places, such as motels, hotels, or even Air B&B. The costs can really add up, and if I'm staying there for months, then how do I eat? I didn't want to worry about my next meal every again, as I've starved before, or came very close to it. As a result, even though I had a bit of money from a tax refund I recently got, I instead opt'd to stay at a local homeless shelter, while applying for actually places to live, such as super cheap rooms in houses. While I was completely sober, I actually thought nothing of this, as I was technically homeless if I refused to pay for any of these super temporary places, right? I could technically afford at least an Air B&B, but the real question is, for how long? If I decided to stay at an Air B&B with zero employment, I am just delaying my homelessness, right? An Air B&B is otherwise unsustainable logically in my situation. I haven't worked in several years now, and I don't feel like I would do a good job at much, and even when I apply for places to work, I never got a call or get hired. This has really made it difficult to trust that I will be-able to make an income again, and if I may not make a stable income again, then I'd rather spend the money I do have on what matters most to me, being able to eat. Although the homeless shelters do tend to take care of that, so I was able to save even more money that I can now use to stay in a more permanent and stable rental unit, and be-able to also purchase all of my basic needs without needing to lean on the local welfare system here in British Columbia. Although, I should apply for benefits soon anyways, just in-case work still doesn't come up. Although I was able to pay for a full 4 months of rent to live where I'm living, and have enough money to easily feed myself and buy basic items that I might want while I wait for an appropriate job to surface.
What happened to me?
Looking back, I think it is the moment that I essentially lost everything while staying in Calgary. I had a super nice place that I was living in for about 5 years, and my life was stable for the first time ever. Then after leaving a job I was deeply struggling at, then struggling to find another job, my savings I made began to disappear to mostly rent until it was all gone, and I was then barely able to buy any food to eat. I began eating just Mac and Cheese with hot dogs, and we all know how healthy that is... I think losing everything, my place, most of my belongings, basically my entire life, I became extremely frugal with my money, hoarding it even more, as once I did find another job, I barely bought anything for the place I was living, just the absolute basics. This was also partly due to how I didn't feel like this job, actually my last job now too, was a good fit for me. It was a Windows-based DevOps role, and the previous DevOps, due to how much more complicated it is to use Ansible with Windows servers, created quite the Ansible spaghetti, and since he was no longer there, and the videos he created didn't fully explain everything, it was very difficult to get much done at times, making me feeling rather depressed and helpless. On top of this, the new place I moved into had a neighbour who had their TV loud until 2am, making it impossible to even sleep. By the time it came Friday, I was so sleep deprived that I couldn't even enjoy my weekends much, or even go out. I asked my manager if I could start a bit later due to this issue, they came back a week later to deny me this simple request. I suffered for several months with this sleep deprivation until I eventually quit this job, and coasted on my savings until I had to leave Calgary entirely, leading me into being homeless again.
At first I didn't have my tax refund when I first came to Winnipeg, and had very little money, which couldn't afford any place to live, only about $100 or so, but that was only to treat myself to some food, and I'd still make use of some of the food at the shelters. Once my tax refund came through, I remained homeless, but was debating on a hotel, but then my mind ran, these hotel rooms are expensive, even the cheapest, and then thinking of starving again hit me, and so I decided to just remain homeless until I was able to get on the local welfare, and apply for places to live. I tried to apply to many places, but none would take me, so I remained homeless in Winnipeg for a bit. I eventually moved into a place, but I couldn't stand the living conditions, and so took a train out to Vancouver which is where I am now. When I first arrived, as I wasn't sure if I was going to find a place quick, I of course opt'd to check out the homeless shelters, as I had uncertainty of how long it might take to find a place given my current trust issues with people, and my new intense frugal nature. Trying to stay somewhere without an income feels very illogical to me, as that just means a huge sum of money keeps going out, but nothing ever comes in, eventually it will run completely out, and then what? I just delayed my inevitable homelessness. Rather than dealing with the worry and stress of being homeless, or starving, I just choose to literally rip the bandage off and dive in head first and just be homeless until I found that certainty I needed. Now that I have a stable place to rent and live in for at least 4 months at a reasonable price where I can still afford to eat, I can now try and hopefully move forward. I've applied for various local services, and there are some temp agencies nearby I can go to, and I do feel that I should at least find enough income within this 4 month period, and still be-able to eat, and otherwise enjoy my time off from work that at first might not be what I'm used to.
By not spending perhaps $130/day, I will be-able rent and eat much longer than I would have otherwise been able to, and that matters more than the immediate satisfaction that just paying for a motel, hotel, or Air B&B would have brought. To some people this might appear weird, but oddly before consuming this Cannabis, I never even thought anything of it, or that it was weird at all from my own perspective and lived experiences. In my mind, based on what I've been through, it felt like it was the most logical. After consuming Cannabis, it has made me self-reflect, and look at how others might view it, and I felt like I actually needed to explain myself here as well, as to someone who doesn't really understand me, or what I've been through in my life, it would come off as a bit weird, I get it.
Will Therapy Help me Heal?
And this brings us to a conclusion here, as since I do believe that I've essentially developed a disorder of sorts, or not, I think that it would be beneficial to speak with someone about this. As I did manage to find a place fast, but... worrying about money and not wanting to starve are REAL, VALID feelings. I've suffered a lot, and I don't want to suffer like that again, I don't want to constantly worry about losing everything I own, to having to eat such unhealthy meals like Mac and Cheese with Hot Dogs. I'm sure a lot of people worry about similar things, especially in our current economy. I once had very successful employment, and haven't managed to find similar stable employment since the pandemic, and I think this really messed up my relationship with money, and I need to heal, I hope that one day I don't need to worry about stability in my life, but can I ever be certain of that?